A couple days ago I woke up, my heart heavy from a conversation I had with a friend of mine. I've been having a lot of stressful conversations with friends lately, it seems... It kind of all started the year I went to Oregon and lost one of the best friends I'd ever had. I'm pretty sure it's my insecurities that are pushing people away and I've been trying to work on them, but it's hard when people seem to just... not bother with you anymore. My heart has felt laden with mist - an oxymoron, I know... but it just feels so heavy and cloudy and I can't make heads or tails of anything or force myself to push onward.
Anyways, I ended up randomly leaving my house. I needed to get away... I really count myself blessed to have a sister like Erin. We have our ups and downs, but there seems to be an unspoken understanding between us. We just sort of went on an adventure to find The House of Refuge (at the time I was unaware of the metaphorical affiliation my brain may or may not have been making at the time). The House of Refuge is this old building where they used to bring shipwrecked people in storms after they'd been saved...
It was really rainy and stormy and windy out, but I didn't really care. It sort of made me feel alive... almost high on life, like my blood was racing through my body like the wind was swirling around me. Erin and I never did find The House of Refuge, but we stopped at a beach and walked as the waves washed over our feet and the wind whipped around us. I took some pictures.... it was so beautiful and blue and I remembered an old poem that I'm a little fond of. It isn't that amazing, but it does sort of hold a place in my heart.
The Ocean
Vast and deep, in my cradle do I lay,
Of ancient plate and molten shield, sand-sewn
Blankets resting beneath my weary head.
I reflect the blue that lingers above,
Trapped within the prison that I once carved –
That I will carve until I die of thirst.
On my face some see the unending sky
Mirrored like a promise between lovers.
Rapt by winds that whisper their names, they strain
To drown in my ever-changing embrace.
Beautiful, they call me, but they cannot
Love me, not even those suitors who stray
Upon my sandy mane, wading amongst
The course, froth-laden tendrils of my hair.
They chase those brilliant, endless dreams of theirs –
In me, upon me, sometimes beneath me.
I bury them in my arms and they weep,
Moaning of my deceit and treachery.
They will come back to me; they always do,
Building upon me, stealing my riches.
Tides wrought by moon-kissed dreams decide their fates:
Sometimes I am graceful and let them pass,
And sometimes my fury crashes over them.
Like Atlantis they will fall beneath me
And sleep forever, deep within my blood,
Covered gently by my blanket of sand,
Like many before them, many to come,
Until they, too, become one with my flesh.
Of ancient plate and molten shield, sand-sewn
Blankets resting beneath my weary head.
I reflect the blue that lingers above,
Trapped within the prison that I once carved –
That I will carve until I die of thirst.
On my face some see the unending sky
Mirrored like a promise between lovers.
Rapt by winds that whisper their names, they strain
To drown in my ever-changing embrace.
Beautiful, they call me, but they cannot
Love me, not even those suitors who stray
Upon my sandy mane, wading amongst
The course, froth-laden tendrils of my hair.
They chase those brilliant, endless dreams of theirs –
In me, upon me, sometimes beneath me.
I bury them in my arms and they weep,
Moaning of my deceit and treachery.
They will come back to me; they always do,
Building upon me, stealing my riches.
Tides wrought by moon-kissed dreams decide their fates:
Sometimes I am graceful and let them pass,
And sometimes my fury crashes over them.
Like Atlantis they will fall beneath me
And sleep forever, deep within my blood,
Covered gently by my blanket of sand,
Like many before them, many to come,
Until they, too, become one with my flesh.
I love the ocean. I really can't express my feelings for it well... Something about how endless it seems, how vast and deep. The image of the ocean always brings this coolness over my body like a wave is washing over me. Whenever I feel down I seem to find shelter in stargazing or walking on the beach. I think that seeing such raw, overwhelming nature makes me feel closer to God, and these days that's so rare for me.
